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Archive for April, 2008

Trust

Trust is a very tricky thing. When I actually do the trusting thing or when i pretend to is sort of a blur to me. Of course i trust all of my close friends, a few of them with my life, but on occasions, i find myself doubting them for the simplest issues of minute consequences. so when i say that i completely trust you, chances are, i am lying to you big time.

I’ll give you an example on how fucked up my sense of trust is. a chum of mine has recently told me some problematic stuff she’s facing right now. but before she told me that, we had a long discussion on the same issue, which we resolved by shutting our pretty little puckers up. and then the sorry-ass situation came up, and because she’s so dazed and confused and feeling so down with everything, i thought to myself, the right thing to do is to be supportive and tell her its gonna be fine and to quit being too paranoid. and thats what i did. but i am so totally bugged by this itty bit tugging at the backof my head. what if she’s just saying that to neutralise the previous spat we had before? what if she’s just lying to me and made the whole sorry-ass situation up? and she is a really, really really close friend.

this is when i brilliantly deduced that complete trust, like piolo pascual being straight, is just a myth. at least for me. and for a good deal of others. maybe 4/7ths of the entire human race.

like most good people, i always try to do the right thing. when faced with situations that involve the workings of this particular intangible, i always try to be level headed about it. unless youre my friend yet you still screwed me over for a hot pair of yummy buns. or you stole my most important worldly possession (my eyelash curler). or the lottery ticket we jointly bought won a the jackpot and you didnt tell me then you flew off to Switzerland. thats when all hell will break loose. but mostly, yeah, im all for the generally polite but doubtfully genuine trust thing.

i wanna be a person who can truly trust another soul. i envy a person with a trusting heart. I wish i have one.

i am the type of person that is perceived by others to be a good listener. mostly all of my friends (and even those who are mere acquaintances) really open up to me and pour their heart and soul in a manner and depth that almost always surprise me. the only time i get to do that is when im really really drunk, which by the way, makes all the things that come out of my mouth highly subjective and addled by my own confusion. how sad is that?

but, there is one big advantage to not being very trusting. and that is, you dont get duped a lot. i remember brendad fraser’s character in the movie ‘blast from the past’. he was so ignorantly blissful, and most of all, he is happy and content. because he trusts. completely. however, in this day and age when ignorant bliss is a crime and the punishment can be really, really painful, i can only dream of a fantasyland where i will be a girl brendan fraser who sells vintage baseball cards for peanuts to opportunistic vintage shop owners and be really, genuinely happy about it.

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mag-isa na naman ako.

kausap ko ang bestfriend kong si aubrey online. out of the blue tinanong nya ako kung anong passion ko. ang sagot kong walang kagatul-gatol ay writing. pero the second na natype ko ang huling letra nung salita, napaisip ako: writing nga ba talaga?

ibig bang sabihin pag passionate ka sa isang bagay dapat magaling ka dito? kasi kung ganun, pakshet hindi writing ang passion ko. sex. nyehehe. jokes. pero dahil kung buburahin ko yung natype ko na (7 strokes ng backspace), mas madali kung pipndutin ko na alng ang enter. tamad e.

kaya ngayon, eto, napapaisip ako. badtrip na katamaran yan.

may mga taong na mapakadali para sa kanila na magsulat ng kung ano anong ramdom thoughts na sumasagi sa isip nila, tapos anf end result parang nonchalant na account ng isang mundane na bagay pero sa ganda nang pagkasulat parang pwedeng manalo ng award. ako hindi makapagsulat ng hindi iniisip na may magbabasa ng sinulat ko at kung anong iisipin nila pagkatapos. ito ang nagka-cramp ng aking style.

lagi kong sinasabi na simula pa lang noon, nung bata pa ako at nalaman ko na eventually kelangan ko magtrabaho kasi hindi ako pwede humingi sa mama ko ng baon for the rest of my life, alam ko na na pagsusulat ang ikabubuhay ko. na nagkatotoo naman. pero hindi pa rin ako magaling. i mean, oo marunong akong magconstruct ng sentences, pero yung ideas ko parang wala naman laman. or hindi original. or original pero wala paring laman. haay.

sumagi tuloy sa isip ko: baka naman nagkakamali ako. baka naman hindi writing ang passion ko. baka nga sex. tangina kung yun nga dapat magpapayat ako. pano ko magiging pornstar sa taba kong ito?

wala akong point. gusto ko lang mag rant, baket ba? blog ko naman to e. di wag mong basahin kung ayaw mo. gago!

may isa akong nakilala. artist daw sya. obvious, andungis ba naman. anyways, natutuwa ako sa kanya kasi artist na artist and dating nya, pero hindi sya emo. normal syang tao na hindi nagpapangggap na miserable para may masabing pinagkukunan ng inspirasyon. wala, nakakatuwa lang.

nabobore na ako sa office. meron akong dream job na related din sa pagsusulat. pero i dont know if im cut out for it. siguro hindi. siguro oo. ang alam ko gusto ko yun thats why im going for it. ang problema kung hindi nila marecognise ang aking ‘passion’. may rejoection issues pa naman ako. kasalanan to ng mga taxi drivers naayaw akong isakay e. ano bang mali sakin?? may barya naman ako sa umaga ah!

nakakaentertain din naman magsulat, lalo na kung hindi mo alam ang isusulat mo. parang syang magandang libro na hindi mo alam ang sunod na mangyayari. mas nakakaentertain kaya kesa magpaint. may napanood akong pelikula kagabi, yung painter parang depressed na depressed. parang wlang painter na masaya no? kung di nagpapakamatay, nababaliw or namamatay sa lamig. parang si nelo sa dog of flanders. buti na lang magsusulat lang ako.

nagtry din ako magdrawing. i-upload ko mga drawing ko sometime. wla lang kasi scanner na available e. wala talaga akong natural talent sa magguhit, pero meron akong talent sa pagiimagine. may sketch pad at hb 1 2 at 3 naman ako. pwede na yun.

sige, till next.

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