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Random Thoughts on retardism

December 30, 2008 Leave a comment

1. Buong christmas season wala akong ginawa kundi matulog at kumaen. At tumakbo pag gabi. At manood ng TV. Sa panonood ko, napadaan ako sa channel 97 (Kung Orbit ka, GMA 7 yun). Pansin ko lang yung station ID nila for Christmas.. pati na rin yung mga fillers ng kung sino-sinong artista.. I dunno if its just me, pero ang parang lumalabas na mensahe e lahat ng batang pinoy ay retarded o autistic. Nung una ko yung napanood, kasama ko si J – nagkatinginan kame bigla, like we where thinking the same thoughts:

Message: Batang Pinoy = Retarded/Autistic

Hindi naman totoo yun diba? I dunno about you guys, pero kame na walong anak sa pamilya, nagsimula lang magmanifest ang pagkaautistic namen when we hit 17.

Ha!

2. I confirmed that the world has gone bonkers when I saw a certain local artista na itatago natin sa pangalang Rarian Mivera na nagtatatalak at nagiiyak sa TV dahil nang tanungin ang isa pang certain local-but-with-considerably-more-talent artista tungkol sa umano’y pagbubuntis ni RM e sumagot ito ng….

….

wala!

(actually, ngumiti sya. and that was the fucking problem)

when i first heard this (from Ana my chikadora officemate), I was like, ‘WTF?!?’ Then, when I got home and heard about it again on 24 Oras, I was like, ‘crazy fucking bitch’ sabay banat ng condescending na ngiti. Retarded din ba sya? Related ba sila ni Hayden Kho (sino daw?) Haha!

3. I know si Kris Aquino retarded talaga, mayaman lang. Kaya yung ginawa nyang ‘pambabastos’ sa alaala ni Marky Cielo, patawarin na natin. Retarded nga e.

4. Baket may mga tao (o lahi) na pakiramdam nila nakakahigit sila sa ibang tao (o lahi) na meron silang karapatan sa lahat ng bagay na binigay ni God (or ni Allah, or ni Buddha, or ni Oprah) at pag hindi nila to nakuha e tama lang na magpaulan sila ng rockets sa Gaza at pumatay ng mga 4-year old girls?

Baket may mga tao (o grupo ng tao) na pilit iniimpose ang mga paniniwala nila sa ibang tao, na umaabot na sa puntong pagbabanta na pagpapapatayin nila ang mga schoolgirls na makikita nilang umaattend ng klase, just because they believe that women are not worthy of formal education?

Sagot: kasi retarded sila. Their intellect had been stuck in the the era of the fucking dinosaurs, thereby retarding their ability to cope with the new century norms where everyone, even those with mental disabilities, has equal rights. They are retarded in ways that can they can never comprehend for as long as they are trapped within their morally and socially-backward ways.

O, diba, sumerious??

5. On a slightly different note, I patched things up with an old friend. I am happy. A new year is coming, work is good, family is healthy, J is still patient with me, I am improving my photography and most importantly I remain sane inspite of all the retarded people/things/situations/boss around me.

I love my life, and I love all my friends, even the retarded ones. 😀

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Is there a Santa Claus? A fun read. :)

December 23, 2008 Leave a comment

(Spy Magazine, January 1990)

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total ? 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75?1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man? made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second ? a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium?sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload ? not even counting the weight of the sleigh ? to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison ? this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance ? this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re?entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250?pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion ? If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Rebuttal to the Above

Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it’s only a small step to the rest.

For example;

1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.

2) You’ve relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighbourhoods, have probably less than the average (and don’t forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket
would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.

3) You’ve also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti?selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing except terrorists in diapers? Let’s drop that number of homes down a few more percent.

4) Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since he would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower?controlled areas near airports. He’s get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East, and the no?fly zones in Iraq, so he’d probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.

5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking’s book once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And don’t say you can’t go faster than the speed of light because I’ve seen it done on TV. Jean?Luc doesn’t have reindeer but he does have matter?antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and that’s good enough for me.

So Santa could go faster than light, visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk yech.

6) Aha, you say, Jean?Luc has matter?antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast! You calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the
loaded sleigh. The reindeer don’t evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.

7) If that’s not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o’clock. NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it’s name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and I’ve seen the radar shots of him approaching my house from the direction of the North Pole. They haven’t bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?

Yet another rebuttal to the rebuttal:

Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish “study.”

1) Flying reindeer: As is widely known (due to the excellent historical documentary “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in “Rudolph the Red?Nosed Reindeer” (a no punches pulled look at life in Santa’s village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer, obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.

2) Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is as a
result several days after the Western Churches’. Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.

Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you don’t believe me, ask my four brothers and
two sisters, they’ll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.

Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there are a significant number (on the order of several million) of one child Christian households. Even though only
children are notoriously spoiled and therefore disproportionately inclined towards being naughty, since it’s the holidays we’ll be generous and give them a fifty?fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single child households from Santa’s delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery run.

3) Santa’s delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name “Santa” is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/Italian background. His beginnings, battling the Burgermeister Meisterburger, suggest he grew up in Bavaria (also predominantly Catholic). The Kaiser style helmets of the Burgermeister’s guards, coupled with the relative isolation of the village, suggest that his youth was at the very beginning of Prussian influence in Germany. Thus, Santa and Mrs. Claus have been together for well over one hundred years. If you think that after a hundred years of living at the North Pole with nights six months long that they remain childless, you either don’t know Catholics or are unaware of the failure rate of the rhythm method. There have therefore been over five generations of Clauses, breeding like Catholics for over one hundred years. Since they are Catholic, their exponential population increase would obviously have a gain higher than the world population as a whole. There have therefore been more than enough new Santas to overcome the population increase of the world. So in fact, Santa has an easier time of it now than he did when he first started out.

Santa dead, indeed; some people will twist any statistic to “prove” their cynical theory.

Yet another rebuttal:

5) That’s nonsense. I repeated the calculation, and the correct figure is 17,500.03 times gravity. How can we place belief when such an implausibly high figure is accepted! The entire concept is obviously deeply flawed and arises from incorrect method!

Besides, Santa simply realizes all of his alternate quantum states at once.

Everybody knows that.

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Words

December 16, 2008 Leave a comment

We all know how its powerful and other romantic szhizz like that, and sometimes the whole idea just seems overrated, in the same manner that silence sometimes gets. I get the feeling that im being drowned in the blah-blah-blahs of my work, my boss and colleagues, acquiantances, and even of those whom I have chanced upon in my long busrides going home. Lately, the constant stream of phonetic dissonance becomes too unbearable for me that I turn the volume of my iPod to eardrum-shattering levels, like fighting fire with fire.

What I dont get, actually, are people saying a lot of unnecessary things. These are the kinds who really, for the life of them, cannot shut up. Like my boss for example. You know how the moment before we speak, we take a moment to gather our thoughts so as not to talk rubbish and make a complete fool of ourselves. This moment is normally spent in silence to give way for better concentration and… well… really gather our thoughts and not make a complete fool of ourselves. But my boss who never shuts up is like a bird on crack who never quits chirping random connective adjectives and articles (which I found out once I actually willed myself to listen to his babbling does not mean shit) before actually saying that thought he gathered so as not to make a fool of himself, which actually defeated the purpose coz all his string of collective adjectives and articles have already made him so. More than him looking so lame, im pissed coz he so fucking irritates me.

I understand people who strike up a conversation with other people in the most commomplace spaces. Public transport, for example. I also get how you can share where you’re from in the Philippines, where you’re actually born, where your lineage started, how your mom is a distant relative of your dad, and how your other cousins are marrying your other distant cousins. Coz those are mildly interesting, if not a bit grotesque topics, and I get that. What I dont get is the oversharing of livid details of how you take the bus from point A to point B, sitting on your ass for 2 hours, how your salary is never enough, how you miss tuyo (which is like duh coz there is tuyo in De Belchoir, hello), how you hate the bus and the pana’s and the patan’s. Sitting on my ass for two hours in a smelly bus, the last thing i need, really, is a rundown of how my own life is (minus the tuyo bit). Fucking boring.

So last night, I took a cab. A cab, after so long! I never thought I’ll actually miss riding these deathboxes! It was only when I looked at the meter that I realised why I dont take the taxi anymore. Anyways, last night, I hopped in with the sweetest driver I have ever met in Dubai. Love was practically oozing out of his hairy ears. He sung to his wife on the phone, and told us how he loves his wife and how he adores her deep, dark eyes. Now, these are the kind of words that I love to hear without the person saying it knowing that I can hear him say it. What? Im a girl! and I dig that sort of sweet crazy shit.

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Creepy/Funny

December 15, 2008 Leave a comment

We were driving back to our hotel in Pagudpud after we went a few towns back to see the majestic wind turbines in Bangui, Ilocos Norte. On board were Jett, Maree, Ves, and Ymo.

Me: Driving

The rest: Laughing at some gross poop story, which I am never short of.

Me: (natigilan. tumitig. nanlake ang mata)

Saw this:

tricycle 01

anong kulang?

Me: (siniko si Jett)

Jett: Ano, baket?

Me: (ngumuso sa harap)

tricycle 02

kita mo na kung anong kulang??

Jett: (nanlake din ang mata)

(walang nagsasalita habang tawa pa rin ng tawa sila Ves, Maree at Ymo sa likod. Shit, maulan pamandin nun)

Me: Hmm… wala bang.. hmm.. driver yung trike?

Ves, Maree, Ymo: (napatingin, nanlake din ang mga mata)

Me: (hindi alam ang gagawin)

Ves: Ate, tara na, tara na!!

Me: (binilisan ang takbo para um-overtake)

Me and Everyone: (takot na takot walang gustong tumingin sa kanan)

Pero hindi rin ako nakatiis…

tricycle 03

Ayaw lang pala mabasa ni manong. 😀

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Random Thoughts while counting down the final 10 minutes to liberation

December 14, 2008 Leave a comment

Yay, I’m back random thinking!

Less work (recession in action? hope not!) so more time to Multiply. Successfully PPed two sets from my Pinas Vacay ’08 series today! Actually, came 30 minutes late today, so i hafta wait it out (Oplan Iwas Memo) hehe.

1. So what’s up with me. I’m hella broke, thats what. No salary for this month, coz as you all know, I went on vacay so I advanced my salary for November. So, yeah, Im living on the dried fish (all kinds, i tell ya), which my mom packed for me. I think im growing scales already. Also, J’s alms.

2. I know what I’ll do when I finally get sick of the UAE and decide to go home. Kung ano, sikreto na lang muna. 😀

3. With Christmas just around the corner, Im dreading how I’m still gonna be broke and will not be able to ride the coolest ride ever in Global City. Yung parang tirador na may higanteng laste tas hihigitin to its breaking point tas papakawalan. Gets? Last Christmas hindi kame sumakay dun kasi… ang mahal! AED 60 ang isa! haayyy… Anybody wanna buy tuyo? 😀

4. As I was surfing this morning, I chanced upon articles about this Tricia Borres girl from the Ateneo who lambasted the Aeta community she visited for an immersion, prolly as required by her college. I was miffed, but not at all surprised. Unbelievably dense people do exist, and most of them underservingly enjoy a life of luxury. God help her, but Im feeling sorrier for her parents who have successfully raised a little monster.

5. J’s got me running shoes! Pic of it (and me hard at training) soon! This is no easy feat, I tell ya!

All for now. Gotta go pee.

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Untitled

December 11, 2008 Leave a comment

As she waited a split second for the whizzing click from her digital SLR, a barrage of raw images keep loop-playing on her head, like a pirated CD that got stuck in some sad little piece of lyric from an old love song. Her eyes and hands are simply not fast enough to capture each astonishing moment, made sacred by its fleetingness and the reckless abandon as a manner upon which they were conceived. Everything is so unabashedly beautiful, but nonetheless reachable, like a supernova explosion of dazzling lights and colours that originate from the orbs that are the eyes of each and every soul present in the snaking streets of Quiapo.

*********************************************

The kid was bawling her eyes out for her broken slippers, abused and beaten to a pulp by her scrawny feet that have walked the miles, which will make my own Havaianas-clad feet inundated with shame. She felt a certain ache at the pit of her gut, which was followed by a startling discovery that this might be the purest manifestation of loss she has ever laid her eyes on, making her feel lightheaded and stunned and sick and amused at her sheltered existence and her befuddled reaction to it. She walked towards the kid, but caught herself before asking the tot to come with her to the nearby store to get a new pair, lest she be accused of kidnapping or worse, being a sexual predator. Instead, she handed over a 50-peso bill, hoping that it will be enough for a new and sturdier pair of Spartan’s, a hot soup from the corner ‘gotohan’, and relief for her own denigrating self-disgust.

*************************************************

Passing by the line-up of fortune tellers, she was tempted to burn a few bucks to ask the stars above how she would be and other mundane questions she will come up with, for which she will later on feel so stupid for, outside of the fact that she had asked a completely clueless fucking stranger about a life, which she herself is having trouble understanding. She went on.

************************************

Now feeling a weird knot forming on her stomach, which may be due to the funky-looking buko juice from the makeshift cart littered at the landing of the Hidalgo side of the underpass, or a skipped breakfast, she headed towards the corn-on-the-cob joint manned by a meek-eyed boy of around 15, 16 years. She was greeted by the tantalizing aroma of the bulk of sticky corn ears that seem to have absorbed all the sunshine in the world, and are now basking in a pool of salty goodness. ‘Magkano?’, she asked the boy. ‘Tatlo sampu ate’, he answered. As she looked up after rummaging her purse for spare change, she saw the boy running away in a frenzied hurry, and it was only then that she recognised the group of sinister-looking policemen heading towards her (and the boy’s) general direction. The boy was already a couple of metres away from her, and it was only then – as if she has just awoken from a straight-from-the-movies dream – that she ran after the poor thing to give him his ten bucks. Then, she turned and was in an instant eye-to-eye with one lanky officer who looks a bit uncomfortable terrorizing the vendors with threats and a constant waving of yantok sticks. For a solitary moment, she heard him crying for help.

*************************************************

Amidst the sea of devotees of the Black Nazarene (it was a Friday), she waded through the throngs of maroon-clad men and women who perpertually mumble under their breaths, effortlessly creeping her out. They all seemed miserable in their pretend holiness, and what she would love if for them to be struck down by lightning and be branded in their foreheads: RELIGIOUS OFFENDER. They approach the church’s majestic gates as the gloomy cloud of impending rain threathened the burning afternoon outside, and she can hear the kids playing at the mouth of the cathedral holler, “ayan na ang mga manang, takbo!”. One of the kids has burnt his foot on a live cigarette butt on the hot pavement, but he didn’t dare stop and be in the way of the high and mighty authorities of Quaipo’s holy kingdom.

*********************************************

As she will herself against buying a small pack of smokes, (she’s quit for some time now) she revels in the life that is all around her hitting her in a speed that can knock her out if she takes one small misstep. She wants to beat herself up for she feels that she has missed out, she’s not good enough, and she’s stunned so easily. Yet in the centre of her wallowing in self pity and inadequacy, she was surprised to learn that peace had completely enveloped her. In that moment, at that step in the Echague rivulet of the Quaipo underpass where she stood, she felt peace like she’s never had before.

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Takbo!

OFFICE MEMO

DATE:           December 3rd, 2008

TO:                Employees of Cheverchevercompany

FROM:          HRM

Subject: Dubai Marathon

Please join us in running for charity @ the Dubai Marathon 2009.

For the unfit ones among us; enter the 3km fun-run

For everyone else, try the 10km road race.

You can walk, run, jog or swim, you do not need to be really fit!

Date: Jan, Friday 16, 2009 (Still plenty of time to get training)

Time:  10Km run starts @ 7:15 am

3km run starts @ 11am

** Followed by lunch @ 12 noon for all runners

What do you get? A very stylish company T-shirt designed by Hussein, plus the joy to know that your money is being donated to charity.

What charity? Seeing is Believing Charity for blindness

How much? 3km fun run = AED 50/-

10km road race = AED 185/ –

***************************************************

Me just watched ‘Run Fatboy, Run’ on DVD! So…

Me running the 10K!

Me will train like Dennis Doyle did!

Me hella excited!

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