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Some questions. What.

Hey there. im currently blogging from my couch, yeah the same one I’ve been on since i got home last thursday night, after getting into a screamfest with a fucking moronic Indian guy or other from a horribly stinky race who decided to be a ginormous douche by insisting that I park on the farthest end of the lot to which i vehemently disagreed to on account of my hopes that I will be going out later that night, a notion that I can openly tell you now didn’t materialise. One and a half days later, I am blogging from the very same couch, stinking of cigarettes and beer and decomposing chicken bones, aching in all the places that I need to be able to get up to wash the grit off of my face, so i succumb to the possibility that the rest of the weekend might just end right here with minimal changes in bodily position but elevated levels of stench, stickiness and self-deprecation.

So as not to completely file my weekend under category: MEGA FAIL, i picked up the laptop and tried to complete this little story that I am trying to write, which obviously didn’t work out as well. As i wait for my turkey sandwich loaded by grease-soaked fries and coleslaw so thick their combined consistency will be enough to clog two or seven important arteries in my heart (what there are only four yeah fuck you smartypants) and talking myself out of another self-love session (coz really how many times can a girl pleasurestroke herself to tagalog literotica), i thought maybe i can pass the time posting some very important matter-of-life-and-death questions to pique the minds of the two of you who read my blog (ok one if I dont count myself damn you).

How long until my turkey sandwich arrives?
Coz really, this fucking thing on tv (Living Golf) is making me want to get a fork (im pretty sure there’s one under the couch since last week i was eating KFC cheesecake and watching Phantom of the Opera for the 687th fucking time and woke up with a good half of the thing squished under my fat arm and the fork no where in sight) and stick it right at my eyeballs. Golf is a fucking lame sport. I honestly think whoever invented golf was a drug addict who ran out of money to buy drugs and resorted to some heavy-duty masturbation to take his mind off of his withdrawal symptoms. Then it is most probable than this bloke just started swinging his dick back and forth trying to hit an egg or some round thing lying on his semen-stained carpet because he is fucked-up like that and voila the game of golf came to be.
Oh wait, my turkey’s here.

What the hell is going on outside the window of my kitchen?
So, since i opened the kitchen (yeah, lemme tell you about that. sometime between last week and the week before that, i locked the kitchen shut because of the suffocating smell of rotting meat and rice and small insects originating from there. believe me, its like a crematorium and a waste disposal unit had some pretty wicked sex in there and produced millions of concentrated wet farts for babies) because the smell is making it impossible for me to browse my porn without hurling my lungs out along with my 4000-calorie dinner. I only decided to open the door to turn on the lights because I kinda remembered my mum telling me that cockroaches like the dark. By that time there were already baby cockroaches crawling on the dirty dishes so I was left with no recourse but shut the door again and run to Spinney’s to get some badass cockroach juice, which then i dutifully poured all over the floor, the sink (and the dishes) and the goddamn trashbags. It was then that I heard the weird noises from outside the kitchen. It sounded like.. hmmm.. how will I put this without sounding racist: three fat Arab homos gangraping a helpless Pakistani labourer in all holes of his face. Of course, thats just a hypothesis. It kinda explains the smell too coz theres no way three weeks’ worth of trash and unwashed plates will result in a smell so revolting. Im a fucking genius.

What is up with the Germans during the fall of the Berlin Wall?
I mean, if they have grown so fucking sick of that friggin’ wall, why were they (as I’ve seen in all the footages on CNN) using a fucking katam to tear it down? What, there wasnt a freaking jackhammer handy or something? History freaks, enlighten me on this. Or not.

Oh god there’s an ipis crawling on my couch.

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