The amazing tale of the freakishly tall guy who got distracted by the water sprinklers. And hits my car.

I mean, com’on. If you’re not A) a fucking 3-year old B) a retard with an attention span of .03 milliseconds or C) being hounded by sleek mafia goons for boning the Boss’ only daughter and some bits slipped out about you spanking her and spanking her hard, which you’re pretty sure she enjoyed as much as you did on account of her shrill cries of pleasure that easily rung up some pretty serious decibels that BITCH!!
— how in the fuck can you get distracted by a motherfucking water sprinkler?

And fucking hit my car in the process?!

So. I phoned the police after this Indian guy’s truck kissed my car where it was sitting under a shade at the park two blocks from our office (Free parking. What.) I was just walking away from Stan (my car) when i heard screeching tires and a loud thud.

The poor thing doesn’t speak a word of English so I kinda sign languaged to him: ‘Its ok, I will just call the police and this will be sorted out,” in wild hand and arm gestures, which can also be interpreted as “Oh, you fucking mor—, oh lookie! You have slightly myopic puppy dog eyes, and oh! your eyelids twitched, you must have a serious neurological problem you poor thing or you’re just sleepy because your boyfriend didn’t let you sleep last night, in which case Eww.” And yeah, he’s like freaking tall. Like 7 feet tall. that or i have vertigo and is looking at him standing on my head.

After roughly 15 minutes, a somewhat young-ish officer (YPO) arrived to assist us with the mundane paperwork. As procedure would have it, the police asked freakishly tall guy (FTG) what happened, and FTG proceeded to amuse us with his fucking idiocy. The following ensued:

Disclaimer: don’t you fucking accuse me of exaggerating the ‘how this guy managed to hit my parked car’ because 1) that is not cool, 2) i work in PR and 3) this is gonna pwn your face so bad so don’t you even fucking think just read.

YPO: What happen tell me.

FTG: sidaa, sidaa (means ‘straight’ in Hindi, with hand indicating that he is going straight, then, almost giving me a heart attack, he screamed) pony! Pony!! PONYYYYY!!!! (‘water’ in Hindi, then he started flailing his arms excitedly and his eyes rolled to the back of his head and i think there was a little frothing in his mouth -could be a mini vomit – but i cant be sure) POOOOONNNNNYYYY!! (while pointing towards the grassy patch in the park)

YPO and Me: what the…??? (then when he started looking possessed) Oh my fucking Allah/God (in our heads)

This went on for a good 15 minutes, after which, a breakthrough:

FTG: (Upon seeing the water sprinklers) PONNYYYY!!! PONYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!schchchchcarrkkarrcckkkarkktchshhhh (choking in his own tongue sound)

It was only then that it occured to us (also, after calling on a randon Indian person to talk to FTG and find out what the fuck is on with the arm-flailing and the eye-rolling and the overall clusterfuck of a scene he is making) that FTG got — as you prolly know by now on account of the title of the fucking blog its on top of the thing thats it im revoking your priviledge to read my blog i dont care if my readership drops to 1 (including me. fuck) — distracted by the spectacular display of grandeur and elemental artistry OF THE FUCKING WATER SPRINKLERS!!!!

I know right. Wouldn’t even believe it if I weren’t there. Fucking story of my life.