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How NOT to arrive at the harrowing conclusion that you SHOULD kill yourself

October 7, 2009 3 comments

A guide for the budding suicidal types.

Of course, this is just to keep you from actually realising that there is no other recourse for you but self-inflicted demise. This, by any means, will not try to negate the possibly very real fact that you are a good-for-nothing deadbeat who is as useful as a 12-inch dong to a homo with an imperforate anus.

1. Denial. Think, I am cool, people actually like me (and not just because the mere sight of me gives them a feeling of instantaneous superiority).

2. Dont sit at the office and try your damn hardest to recall all the shit that turned your life into one ginormous clusterfuck just to write a blog on it.

3. Don’t read literature by Sylvia Plath, JD Salinger, Virginia Woolf, et al. Also, stuff written by yourself.

4. Total news blackout, especially Philippine news. Also, total Pinoy noontime variety show boycott.

5. Join a sport activity. Or, do drugs, but make sure you are perpetually high.

6. Piss off somebody enough for the asshole to get a hired gun to finish you off. Nothing is ever going to make you want to live so bad more than having somebody pay to kill you. Gives you a sense of relevance.

7. Do not volunteer in a suicide helpline. Those fuckers can get pretty creative, and they make suicide sound cool.

8. Think about all the glorious porn that you will miss when you’re dead. Maria Ozawa’s daughter. Maria Ozawa as MILF. Japanese gangbang flicks WITHOUT those stupid black boxes and pixelations. The possibilities are endless.

9. Or, stop thinking altogether.

10. If all else fails, lobotomy.

Cheers to life! 😀

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